I just can't find the words

I just cannot find the right words to define myself lately, today and maybe tomorrow. I fight challenges but it teaches me to be weak. I speak a lot of words but no one understands. I go to peaceful place to think but there is WAR - silence against silence, thoughts against thoughts. I follow my heart, but it keeps on bleeding. I accept love but it annoys my mind, my brain, my memory. Love teaches me not to love but instead how to hate. I fuck.I fuck.but still, I just can't find what I really want. I work hard but not efficient anymore.Am I insane? Am I in the right track? Am I "me"?Who am I?
This is definitely not "me". Every word that comes from my mouth doesn't speak the real me. Every smile I shared to a friend doesn't spill any joy. I perform to be more ineffective. I just went back to GOD, but I failed to obey. Now, I am in the uncertainty. Where is lance? Where are you Albert? Where are you now Jun? Where am I now? Am I happy? Do I have to stay here? If I leave, would it help to mend me? If I leave, doesn't it hurt? If I leave, where will I go? God? I am with now. Is he with me? I JUST CAN'T FIND THE WORDS!